so today, was just, not my day.
my bus was late to pick me up from school, by over a half hour.
my head hurts like a bitch, and i'm feeling very very unhappy. :/
everything feels so pointless, and unreal. surreal. yes. thats the word.
i kind of wish i could take a break from life for a little while. i need one.
i feel so close to breaking again. i know im not back down at where i was, but i feel so close.
i'm so afraid of failing everything, but i feel that its inevitable, no matter what i do. so whats the point?
i'm going to die, someday. could be today, tomorrow, next week, next year, 10 years from now, who knows. so why shouldn't i choose when??
i don't know, and i don't care really.
i'm going to sleep.
lets put life on pause.
maybe there is a remote control for life. if so, please loan it to me...
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thank you.
So this wasn't all too recent.
But I was thinking about it today, and I'm not sure how i feel about it. Not sure if its a good thing, or a bad thing, or what.
But.
So I don't think all that many people have been so close to killing them selves. I did not even think I ever was. But there was one night. Where I finally realized, that I had it in me to kill myself. I was so close. I just layed on my living room floor, telling myself, that if I just needed to lay there. Not to go into the kitchen. I knew if there was a knife in my handI probably wouldn't be here. I realized if i want to commit suicide, I can, and I will.
But I willed myself to call my friend. I told her, that I needed her, to come over my house, that I really needed her. And she came.
I don't think I ever told her this, but she really saved me. She came to me, and didn't ask any questions. When I needed her, she was there...So I thank her with all of my heart. I really do. I have a feeling, that if I ever decide to go that far, that I need to call her first. That she'll be there for me.
But I was thinking about it today, and I'm not sure how i feel about it. Not sure if its a good thing, or a bad thing, or what.
But.
So I don't think all that many people have been so close to killing them selves. I did not even think I ever was. But there was one night. Where I finally realized, that I had it in me to kill myself. I was so close. I just layed on my living room floor, telling myself, that if I just needed to lay there. Not to go into the kitchen. I knew if there was a knife in my handI probably wouldn't be here. I realized if i want to commit suicide, I can, and I will.
But I willed myself to call my friend. I told her, that I needed her, to come over my house, that I really needed her. And she came.
I don't think I ever told her this, but she really saved me. She came to me, and didn't ask any questions. When I needed her, she was there...So I thank her with all of my heart. I really do. I have a feeling, that if I ever decide to go that far, that I need to call her first. That she'll be there for me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Is it bad to want to die?
I believe so...
I want to die. I do. I don't have much of a reason sadly, except that, I'm really just sick of this life.
Sick of being depressed all the time.
Sick of wanting to get high all the time, rather than face life.
Sick of waiting for something good to happen, when I know, it won't.
Sick of wanting something I'll never ever get. Something thats pretty much unimaginable.
Sick of wanting acceptance, and love, and a stationary home. I want one home. Not two split houses.
I really hate that. I hate it more than anything. I want a house not an 2 family, or duplex. A house.
I want a mom, and dad, together. Though I know that will never ever happen. I don't want a stepfather, and I have one. Most people would say, "You should be grateful to have 3 loving 'parents,' most people dont even have a dad or a mom." Well fuck that, because I want two parents. That are together. That live in a house, with green grass, a picket fence, and jungly gym&swing set, a dog. Yeah, I have two dogs, and I love them both, but that's what i dream for. I want a mom, that actually cares about me more than herself. Cares more about what I feel, and need, and want, then what she thinks is right or wrong.
See the thing about my mom is, shes self centered, and stubborn. Once she believes something, you'll never get it out of her head. She's a cold hearted bitch. She pretends to care, so that others will think she does, because thats all she really cares about. Herself, and her self image. I'm pretty positive she's embarassed of me. She searches through my shit, and so does my step dad. They the biggest creeps and lurks. I have to bullshit my way through this house, until i move out. Or atleast until i move into my daddys.
Now my dad, I love him, I truly love my father. He's my favourite person in the world, and no matter what he always will be. I feel comfortable around him. He does have the worst and shortest temper, and sometimes her scares the shit out of me. I have a slight feeling everytime he blows up, that he might take the next step, and that would be a step too far. :/
But I promise myself, that once I get married, I'm never getting a divorce, no matter what. I know that you can work through every problem if you try hard enough, and I dont want to be like my parents. I don't want a failed marriage. I don't want to rip apart my kids lives. I don't ever want to do that. You dont know how serious I am.
So fuck all of this.
Life sucks, then you die, so fuck the world, and let's get high.
That's what i want to do right now. Fuck this.
I want to die. I do. I want to just sleep for eternity. I want a new life. I want to be reincarnated. I want to be happy. Thats really the only thing i want to be happy. Is that really so much to ask for?
I want to die. I do. I don't have much of a reason sadly, except that, I'm really just sick of this life.
Sick of being depressed all the time.
Sick of wanting to get high all the time, rather than face life.
Sick of waiting for something good to happen, when I know, it won't.
Sick of wanting something I'll never ever get. Something thats pretty much unimaginable.
Sick of wanting acceptance, and love, and a stationary home. I want one home. Not two split houses.
I really hate that. I hate it more than anything. I want a house not an 2 family, or duplex. A house.
I want a mom, and dad, together. Though I know that will never ever happen. I don't want a stepfather, and I have one. Most people would say, "You should be grateful to have 3 loving 'parents,' most people dont even have a dad or a mom." Well fuck that, because I want two parents. That are together. That live in a house, with green grass, a picket fence, and jungly gym&swing set, a dog. Yeah, I have two dogs, and I love them both, but that's what i dream for. I want a mom, that actually cares about me more than herself. Cares more about what I feel, and need, and want, then what she thinks is right or wrong.
See the thing about my mom is, shes self centered, and stubborn. Once she believes something, you'll never get it out of her head. She's a cold hearted bitch. She pretends to care, so that others will think she does, because thats all she really cares about. Herself, and her self image. I'm pretty positive she's embarassed of me. She searches through my shit, and so does my step dad. They the biggest creeps and lurks. I have to bullshit my way through this house, until i move out. Or atleast until i move into my daddys.
Now my dad, I love him, I truly love my father. He's my favourite person in the world, and no matter what he always will be. I feel comfortable around him. He does have the worst and shortest temper, and sometimes her scares the shit out of me. I have a slight feeling everytime he blows up, that he might take the next step, and that would be a step too far. :/
But I promise myself, that once I get married, I'm never getting a divorce, no matter what. I know that you can work through every problem if you try hard enough, and I dont want to be like my parents. I don't want a failed marriage. I don't want to rip apart my kids lives. I don't ever want to do that. You dont know how serious I am.
So fuck all of this.
Life sucks, then you die, so fuck the world, and let's get high.
That's what i want to do right now. Fuck this.
I want to die. I do. I want to just sleep for eternity. I want a new life. I want to be reincarnated. I want to be happy. Thats really the only thing i want to be happy. Is that really so much to ask for?
The Future:
Goals for the Future:
-get therapy, god knows i need it. hah.
-become vegan
-smoke weed at my moms
-try shrooms.
-try acid or lsd.
-go to Pere Lachaise Cemetery in eastern Paris, to visit Jim Morrison<3>
-see the Grateful Dead live
-get through Highschool
-try lotsa kush
-see CSNY live
-lose like 40 lbs
-got to woodstock (40 anniversary!!!!!!!!!!)
Monday, January 5, 2009
What is the meaning of life?
What is the meaning of life? In my opinion, there is no reason. I think we just live to live. Why else would people, not care? Want to just get fucked up? Would rather kill themselves, then live shit lives? Why would people suffer from Depression, Bipolar Disorder, OCD, Anxiety? I dont think that if life really had a meaning, people would do the shit they do. If there was a point to all this, then why would we just go straight to heaven? I definately believe in reincarnation. I know there has to be more than just dying and going to some safe haven. I think if there was a meaning of my life, of me living, that i wouldn't waste it the way I am. I think i would actually help people. I'd be happy. I'd learn more things. I think that life is really just a time for us to get high, and have fun. Do what we want to do, do what we have to do, in order to move on in our lives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
